The Secret I've Kept For Years

I've taught high school for a decade now and thought I had everything under control. But there's this thing that happened about five years ago, before my marriage to the most understanding woman ever, back when I was single and dating another teacher at our school. We were both in our late twenties then, and we fell into this strange dynamic where she would punish me as a kind of... game. It started off as just teasing, but it spiraled pretty quickly into something deeper. We'd find these excuses to argue or create drama that I would have to 'pay' for later by submitting to her demands in private. The physical part wasn't always the focus, sometimes it was just a verbal battle where she’d assert control over me. It felt like a twisted kind of role-play, and honestly, it was thrilling and scary all at once. She'd find ways to make me feel small or childish, even when we weren’t actually in the act. Like telling me I couldn't use my phone until I completed a task she gave me, things that didn't seem so bad out of context but felt incredibly intense while it was happening. We were both very careful about boundaries and making sure everything was consensual. It started to feel like a drug, this constant power shift between us. But eventually, the pressure got too much for her. She left, no explanation given at first. I thought she would come back when things settled down, but she never did. I've kept it hidden from everyone since then, not even my wife knows about it all, she just sees a changed man who’s more reserved than before and doesn’t ask questions. Sometimes I wonder if she ever did something similar in her past, but there's no way to know. This confession feels like the first step towards letting go of that secret and finding some peace. Even after years, writing it out still makes my heart race.