Lost in a Game of Pretend

So I guess you could say I'm new to this whole single thing. Yeah, I just got out of my long-term relationship and I'm trying to figure everything out again. It's weird because for so many years, having someone there was all about safety and comfort, now it feels like a big puzzle where pieces keep falling off the table. Anyway, I've been struggling with this DDLG thing for a while. Sometimes I feel like the little one in me needs some love and care, but other times I really enjoy stepping into that caregiver role. It's all about balance, right? Or so everyone says. Before my breakup, we were trying to explore this dynamic together, but it was tricky because I'm not sure where my limits are or what I truly want. We had a few sessions, and the first one felt really good. Like, I got swept up in the emotion of being taken care of and all that came with it. But after that, every time we tried to repeat the experience, something just wasn't clicking. It's not like my ex was forcing anything or acting mean, just that what started as a mutual interest became this awkward dance where no one knew how to step forward. Now I'm on my own and kind of at a loss. It feels like there’s a part of me, deep down, that misses the care but also wants to be in control. And here's the thing, after we split up, there was this moment when I was out running and had a total breakdown over missing everything about those sessions. Just walking alone, it hit me how much I still wanted them and how confused I am now that they’re just memories or fantasies. It’s like my head is filled with these conflicting feelings. So yeah, I'm trying to figure out what the future holds for me in this space. Maybe experimenting solo will help? Or finding someone new who understands where I’m coming from...? Honestly, I have no idea right now and that scares me more than anything. But anyway, writing all this down helps a bit. Like, seeing it on the screen somehow makes everything feel less messy in my mind. Maybe this is just the first step in figuring out what comes next.