I Can't Believe I Did This

Well, here I am, trying to put into words something that feels so wrong and yet strangely right. It started a few weeks ago when I took care of Alex after he got really sick, you know how it is, someone's all weak and vulnerable, and you just want to be there for them. Anyway, the thing is, I didn't just take care of him...I kinda went overboard with it. It’s embarrassing, but I found myself treating him like a little kid who needs help with everything. And yes, that does sound weird when you think about it. But he was so out of it, it felt natural to get him water or check if he needed anything. Then it sort of escalated...I started giving him these tiny portions of food on dishes meant for children, and I even tucked him in bed with a stuffed animal I found lying around. I know it sounds childish, but there was this part of me that really enjoyed seeing how vulnerable he became when ill. And then one night, while helping him into bed, something inside me snapped. Maybe it was the stress or just too much caring, who knows? But I ended up spanking his bottom for not taking his medicine earlier, yeah, it sounds absurd and cruel, but there was a strange mix of anger and affection in that action. Afterwards, he seemed a bit shaken but also strangely comforted by it. Now here I am, months later, and we've sort of drifted back to normal. But every now and then, I catch myself thinking about how much I enjoyed those few days when I could just...be his caregiver in that way. It’s not something I would ever do again with anyone else, it was a unique situation for us both, but it still leaves me feeling weird and conflicted. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, or if it's too personal to even be considered here. Just needed to get this out somewhere.