my secret life

so i just turned forty and been a prof for twenty years now. always had this thing where im both the little one that needs guidance and care and also the grown up side of me that takes care of her. its weird sometimes because there are moments in class when i feel like im back in my twenties again, playing the role but with all these deeper feelings inside about being young and carefree. it really hits hard when im home alone or with just one person. its kinda scary how much ive been hiding this dual side of me from everyone else, even myself. wanna know if anyone else has something like this going on? am i the only one who feels so split between these two extremes all the time?