A Secret I Carry Alone

I don't know why I'm writing this. It's not like anyone will ever read it or care. But something inside me just needs to let some of the weight off. My heart aches with these feelings, and sometimes they feel so big, I think they might crush me. It started slowly. Just watching, you know? Noticing how certain people carried themselves, how they spoke to others under their authority, that calm, powerful presence. And then...I wanted it. I wanted to be one of them. Now, I'm not sure why I ever thought this was a good idea. But once I started, there was no turning back. I found someone, an older man, let's just say he’s 18+, and we began exploring the dynamic together. It felt like such a forbidden thing at first, but the more I did it, the more natural it became. But here's the truth: deep down, there are times when I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I want to be seen as this dominant figure, someone who takes care of others and makes decisions for them. It’s like a part of me wishes I could just switch off these feelings and act normal. It feels so isolating though. Like no one will ever understand. And yet...every time we meet, something inside me lights up. There's this rush that comes with it, an overwhelming sense of being needed, important even. It’s confusing and scary at the same time. I know what I do might sound crazy to others. But for now, it's just my secret. A weight on my shoulders, but also something that gives me a strange comfort when everything else feels like it’s falling apart.