My Secret Shame

I never thought I'd be confessing something like this, but here goes nothing. I'm a trans man in my twenties and I've always felt this strange pull between being taken care of and taking care of others. It's a struggle that's been there since... well, for as long as I can remember. A few months ago, I met someone who understands this dynamic and we started exploring it together. At first, it was just talking about what we wanted and what made us uncomfortable. But then one night, things got more intense. He took on the caregiver role and I let myself be taken care of like a little boy. It felt wrong but also incredibly freeing, to have someone else worry about me for once. We didn't go too far with it physically, just enough to make my mind spin. Since then, we've been trying to find a balance that works for both of us, but every time I'm with him in that role, there's this part of me that feels deeply ashamed and like I should stop. But the other part wants more, craves it even. It's confusing, but maybe that's okay too.