The Secret I Keep From Him

I've been his little for almost two years now. We met online through a DDLG group and connected instantly. He's forty, with silver hair and glasses that make him look like an older professor or teacher from a movie, the kind you might find in a British boarding school setting. I'm in my twenties, and we both knew from day one that this was about more than just talking and flirting. We started with phone calls where he'd read to me or tell me stories while I listened obediently. It felt like something from another era, him speaking softly but firmly, commanding respect and obedience. As our relationship deepened, so did the dynamics. He wanted me to be his little, to act as though I was a child again in certain moments. It began with dressing up and playing pretend on Skype calls. But it didn't stay virtual for long. The first time we met in person, everything felt surreal yet incredibly real. His home is filled with books and pictures of places he's visited over the years, the walls feel like they're telling stories themselves. I moved in about a year after that first meeting. It feels strange to live somewhere else when you have another space where all your rules and roles shift dramatically. I'm his little here, and we've built a world around it. But there's this one thing I haven't told him, not because I don't trust him or think he wouldn't understand, but because it feels like an admission of something I fear might break the spell. Last month, while playing out a scenario where we were in school together and I had to be disciplined for talking back in class, I found myself drawn into this fantasy. But when he tapped me on my bottom gently as if scolding me for not paying attention, it was like something inside of me snapped. It wasn't just the role-play anymore, I felt a stirring that I hadn't experienced since... well, since before all of this started. That night, we made love tenderly and sweetly, but there's an emptiness now when he tells me to be good or says how proud he is of me for following his rules. The secret weighs on me, the idea that something deeper might still live within me, something that doesn't just fit into this carefully constructed world we've made together. I love him and our dynamic. I really do. But there's a part of me that feels like it wants to reach back out, in ways that are confusing even to me.