A Night Off Duty

I've always been this tiny bartender who tends bar at a local pub. I'm not just talking about my stature, that's part of it, but the rest is inside me too. I can slip into my little-space anytime someone looks at me like they expect to see a grown-up. It’s funny how sometimes you feel like an adult until you look in the mirror and your reflection seems more like a kid than anyone else around. Tonight was different though, not because of work or any customer who came by. I had a day off, no rush from the usual Friday night crowd spilling over into Saturday morning. Instead, there was this guy, he could’ve been my dad in terms of age but wasn’t really old enough to be that much older than me. We started seeing each other after work one evening and it just...clicked. He likes taking care of me, even if I don't feel like a little kid. I remember him saying we would play out these roles together, no matter how silly it seemed, and the thing is, despite feeling like this big girl sometimes at my job, he can make me feel younger than I've ever felt before. Tonight was one of those nights where after work, I didn't go home right away; instead, we met somewhere private to play out our little scenes. I let him take care of me, feeding me, dressing me up in these clothes that are supposed to make me look younger and more innocent than usual. He's patient with me even when I feel like a total brat or just can't do what he asks. And sometimes, well...the nights end differently than the start. Tonight was one of those times. He disciplined me, no physical pain involved but an emotional sort of discipline that leaves marks on my soul, not my body. It's strange how comforting it feels to be reprimanded in a way that doesn't hurt and yet somehow reminds me of who I am outside of work. It’s hard because there's this loneliness underneath all the play, wondering if someone could love me for being just me. I don’t know why I'm confessing all this now, maybe it’s cathartic to type it out into the night when I should be sleeping off another day at the bar. What can I say? It's complicated and confusing but there's something undeniably freeing about it too.