...I Broke Her Rules...

So...this is kind of embarrassing to admit...but there's been this nagging feeling in the back of my mind for a few weeks now, something that keeps bothering me every time I look at our old photo albums. It started out as just a small thing, but it’s grown into something that makes me feel really guilty, you know?... I got divorced from Mary about three months ago...things were rough for a while, but we managed to stay amicable during the process. One of the things that made her upset at the time was how I broke one of our rules when we still had the DDLG dynamic going on, she always wanted me to be more responsible and mature, especially since she was stepping into the role of a little girl... It was such a small thing, but it felt like a big deal to her... I remember clearly, it was late last winter and I’d just gotten home from work. We had an agreement that I would pick up groceries every Monday for the week ahead, but instead of doing that, I stopped at my favorite donut shop on the way home... It wasn’t even a craving, I knew exactly what we needed to eat healthily during the week. But those damned glazed donuts with chocolate sprinkles were calling out to me from behind their display case... I grabbed just one, small indiscretion, right? Wrong. That little treat ended up derailing my whole night and made everything feel so much more stressful than it needed to be...Mary had been waiting for me to get home early to start planning our romantic dinner date that we’d set aside weeks earlier. Instead, she got the donut box as a surprise...not quite what she wanted, even if I did try to sweeten up her evening with it... The next day was filled with regret and more pressure from Mary to be better about living up to our mutual agreement, I should have taken care of everything like I promised. But sometimes, I feel like being a Daddy in this dynamic comes with expectations that are so high it feels impossible to meet... It’s just the little things, but they pile up into something huge... I’m still trying to make amends for breaking that one rule, and it keeps reminding me of our time together and what we had. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if I’ll ever be able to live up to those standards again, or if all those moments with her are just gone now...