A Secret Nighttime Play

I never thought I'd be the kind of person to do this, but last night, after my partner fell asleep, I quietly got out a toy that we haven't used in ages. It's one of those things that makes me feel small and young again, and it scared me how much I still crave that feeling even now. I sat there for what felt like hours, just staring at it, wondering if I was losing my mind or regressing somehow. Eventually, I put it away without touching it. It's not like we're doing anything wrong, this is all consensual and private, but the thought of actually using it again? The shame hit me so hard that I couldn't even bring myself to do it. Maybe next time will be different?