My Secret Kink Shames Me Daily

Ever since I started law school a year ago, I've found myself struggling to reconcile my newfound academic identity with another part of me that's grown unexpectedly intense. It began as an interest in BDSM, but it has escalated into something more unsettling, or perhaps I should say, less defined and predictable. The trouble is, I don't just want the typical roleplay scenes; there are moments when I fantasize about being... well, let’s call it 'unusually submissive' for lack of a better term. It started with light bondage and mild spanking during consensual sessions with my partner, Alex, who's supportive but also cautious. But what has me truly ashamed is how often these scenes end up feeling like something I shouldn't be into, or worse, something dangerous to my mental health, playing the role of a younger adult, acting as if I'm in need of protection and guidance beyond just sexual satisfaction. It feels wrong somehow, but also strangely comforting, almost addictive. I fear it's because there’s some unresolved emotional baggage from before law school that I haven't addressed, or maybe it's due to the high-pressure environment here where everyone seems so sure of themselves and their direction in life. But whatever the cause, my fantasies have become more intense and less controllable: visions of being younger than me for a period, seeking refuge under an authoritative figure’s wing. The scenarios often involve emotional dependency on this authority, whether it's a mentor or just someone who can make decisions for me when I feel overwhelmed. When we do role-play these dynamics with Alex, it leaves me feeling drained but oddly fulfilled. It's as if there's a part of me that seeks reassurance and guidance in times of stress and uncertainty, something more than just sexual release. Yet, every time I indulge in these fantasies or play them out, a sense of shame envelops me, making it hard to enjoy the relief without feeling guilty about wanting it. Is there anything wrong with this? Am I overthinking things because of my academic stress, or is there something more deeply unsettling at work here that I need to confront and understand? How do I reconcile these desires while maintaining mental health and ethical boundaries in both law school and relationships?