Struggling with My First Time as a Submissive

So, uh, I’ve been going to this BDSM meetup group for about six months now. It’s kind of weird trying something new like that when you’re older, especially in tech where it feels like everyone has everything figured out already. Anyway, tonight was my first time actually doing anything with another member and it felt... different than I expected. We agreed on a light discipline scene, but during the play, she pushed me into being more submissive than I initially wanted to be, which is weird because I usually prefer control. There were moments when I didn’t know if I could handle what was happening. It made me feel small and vulnerable in ways that both scared and turned me on. Afterward, we talked about it, and she said she sensed my hesitation but thought pushing through the discomfort would help break down some of those mental barriers I’ve built up around intimacy. I’m not sure if it did though, I still feel a bit lost and alone even as I type this out. Maybe that’s part of trying something new? It’s hard to tell, but I guess writing this helps me process it all.