Letting Go of Control

I've been divorced for six months now and I just can't seem to shake the feeling of being lost. It was my ex's idea to start this little experiment, something he said would help us both move on. We never used labels, but it felt like a way to reclaim some control over our lives after everything crumbled. He took charge in ways that were new and terrifying at first, binding me up, making demands I didn't think I'd ever be okay with, exploring limits that made my knees weak with fear and desire. There was pain, there was pleasure, but mostly it was about giving myself over to someone else entirely. It hurt so much when he walked away though, leaving me here in the silence of our old home, wondering if I could ever find another who understands this twisted craving for submission that's never gone away. It feels wrong sometimes, like a betrayal of everything I once thought mattered, but it also feels right, an escape from reality and responsibility, even if only for a moment. I don't know what comes next, if there's anyone else out there who might take the time to guide me through these dark fantasies. All I know is that letting go like this was both my greatest fear and deepest pleasure.