...Just Tired Of All This Roleplay...

I've been the caregiver for my partner...she calls me her keeper. We don't use those D-word labels you know, it's more about taking care of each other in a way that feels right now.... I'm starting to wonder if I am just stuck in this because she wants it so much and maybe deep down I do too? But the roleplay aspect...it gets really intense sometimes. She'll act all helpless and needy...then we get into these scenes where I have to punish her or whatever, and I find myself...feeling like more than a caregiver. It's confusing.... Do I want this because it gives me some control that I crave? Or is it just the thrill of acting out these fantasies? It feels real when we're doing it, but then afterward, I'm left wondering what kind of adult relationship this really is. And...there are days when she asks for something and I just can't bring myself to do it anymore.... I start to question why I agreed to all this in the first place. She's my partner, not a little girl playing make-believe, right? But then we get into these scenarios and she takes on this role that feels so much younger than her...and it gets me every time. It's tiring though, always having to be on some kind of adult level but also in this pretend world where I have to guide and punish and act like a parent to someone who is still an equal partner outside the scenes....