admitting my secret

i dont know why i am writing this but something inside me is forcing me to confess. i have been in a dynamic with my partner for years now and it hasnt always been easy. he is older than me, hes in his fifties and we started off as friends. over time our friendship grew into something more and one night after drinking too much we ended up together. its funny how things can change so quickly right? well, the thing is, i am a switch and sometimes i feel like a little girl. it starts when hes in charge but he always tells me i have to earn my rewards. he gives me tasks and treats me like a child if i dont complete them properly or on time. its weird because even though part of me loves being taken care of and disciplined this way, another part of me feels wrong about it. i mean we are both adults here and im not actually a kid but still... sometimes when he puts me in timeout for misbehaving all i want is to be coddled and told its ok. i know how ridiculous that sounds but hes never pushed anything too far or made me uncomfortable. yet, even with knowing everything is safe and consensual it feels like i am betraying myself a bit. im supposed to be mature and independent right? but in his care im just... needy and clingy. its hard to admit this because no matter how many times hes reminded me there is no age limit on feeling young or needing guidance, a part of me thinks im playing into stereotypes about women being childish and dependent. i dont want anyone to judge me for my desires but sometimes i feel so embarrassed by them. i think that's why im finally sharing this now... just wanted it out there in case someone else felt the same way too.