..Growing Up Too Fast..

So...I've been thinking about this for days now. I just can't shake the feeling of shame that's been following me around ever since it happened, even though we both agreed to it and everything was consensual. You know how sometimes you just have these odd moments in life where something happens and changes your perspective forever? This is one of those things...but it's so embarrassing to talk about... My partner, let's call him Jack, he's my age, in his early 30s too. We've been together for a while now but recently we started exploring these...let's say adult role-play dynamics that are more intense and unconventional than our usual fare. I'm going to use 'little' for simplicity because it's hard to describe without being vague. It all started with me just wanting some space, you know? Like a break from reality, even if only in play. Jack thought it would be...interesting to help me find that space by adopting an older-brother kind of role. At first, I didn't really see the appeal but as we talked about it more and discussed the boundaries, something just clicked inside me... The day we tried it out...it was strange but thrilling in a way I hadn't expected. The idea of being someone else for a while, a younger self who needs guidance and comfort, felt both terrifying and oddly soothing at the same time. Jack was incredibly supportive, not pushing anything I wasn't ready to embrace. We never went too far or crossed any lines we hadn't agreed on beforehand... But there's this one part...a moment when things got a little more serious than usual. It still feels wrong to even think about it let alone talk about it now. He was so gentle and understanding, helping me through something that felt like an overwhelming need for...security and guidance in ways that went beyond the typical confines of our relationship... And then came the aftermath. The reflection on whether I had gone too far, if what we did had implications beyond just this moment of fantasy. We talked it out thoroughly afterwards though, reaffirming everything was consensual and okay within those play boundaries set by both parties. But still...sometimes at night when I'm alone, I wonder... Am I the asshole for wanting that kind of space in my relationship? Is there something wrong with me needing to explore these unconventional dynamics? Or is it just a phase, one we're both willing to respect and enjoy while it's happening? And so here I am...writing this out, trying desperately to make sense of why all of this feels so heavy on my mind. Sometimes I think I should just keep quiet about it but then again, isn't talking about these things part of growing up too?...