The Weight of Care Without Return

I’ve been this professor for thirty years now, and I thought by this age, I’d have it all figured out. But lately, I find myself wanting something more than what’s right there in front of me, not sex or romance exactly, but a kind of intimacy that’s hard to describe. Maybe it sounds ridiculous, but I sometimes daydream about being a father figure to someone younger, not just academically guiding them but emotionally caring for them too. It’s funny how this thought crosses my mind when I see young students in my office hours, some more open and eager than others. One student in particular comes to mind; she reminds me of myself at her age, full of curiosity and determination. And I find myself wanting to give her the support that she seems to want too. But there’s always a catch, the line between mentorship and something deeper is blurry when it comes to this kind of dynamic. I’ve never been into labels like ‘Daddy,’ but if someone called me that, would it make things clearer or just messier? These thoughts are a secret I carry with me every day, wishing for a connection that feels too risky to pursue.