The Caregiver's Dilemma

I recently got divorced after five years of marriage. It was messy and painful, but the truth is I've always struggled with this dark side of myself, being both a little and a caregiver in my dynamic relationships. My ex-wife couldn't handle it when she found out. She accused me of having unhealthy fetishes that didn't match up to her idea of a monogamous relationship. It started innocently enough, I think. Being the caregiver for someone else was always something that fascinated me, taking care of someone as if they were my child or an injured pet. The power dynamic and intimacy it brings... there's just nothing quite like it. And then being taken care of in return? That’s a whole different level of vulnerability and trust. My first experience with the little side was when I met this woman online, let's call her Anna, since that’s how she introduced herself to me. She said I could be her daddy and take care of her while she acted like a child in need. It was exhilarating but also terrifying at times because it brought out feelings I didn't know existed. When my ex found out about my time with Anna, she freaked out. But the truth is...I still think about it often. Even after we split up and things have settled down a bit, there are nights where all I want to do is call someone like Anna again and let myself be vulnerable and cared for, or maybe even take on that role for another adult who needs guidance. It's not just about the sex, though that certainly plays into it. It’s more about feeling deeply connected with someone in a way society deems taboo. I’ve tried hiding this part of me away completely but doing so feels like putting a lid on an already boiling pot. I'm ashamed to admit any of this, but here it is, the caregiver side and the little side both exist within me, and sometimes it’s hard to reconcile those feelings with being seen as just a regular person. I wonder if there are others out there who feel the same way and know that's why these kinds of sites exist.