Lonely Late-Night Phone Calls

I've been working from home as a freelancer for about three months now. It's great in some ways, I can wear sweatpants all day and still get things done. But there are days, especially late at night when the house is quiet, that it gets to me. The isolation hits hard. One evening, after finishing my work early, I found myself on a dating app just hoping for someone to talk to, anyone really. That's how I met Emma. She was a bit older than me, in her mid-thirties, I think, but we hit it off right away. We talked late into the night about all sorts of things. It felt good to connect with someone. A few days later, she suggested something different over the phone. At first, I thought maybe it was a role-play or some kind of kink thing, but before I could really think too hard on it, we were just going along with it. She told me what to do and said she'd take care of everything while I followed her lead. It felt strange at the time, like someone else's voice was telling my body what to do. But in that moment, it was comforting somehow. Having a routine set for you can feel nice when your own life feels so uncertain and unstructured. We did this a few more times over the next couple of weeks. I kept waiting for the feeling of strangeness to go away, but instead, it just grew on me. By then, we were spending all our time together like this, her giving orders and me just doing what she asked. It was never physical or graphic in any way, but there was an undercurrent that made me feel safe yet slightly scared. I started feeling guilty about it though. The more I did it, the less I felt like myself around Emma, and the more I questioned why I was letting her take such control over me. There was no reason for me to feel this way, everything we were doing was agreed upon by both of us as adults, but still. The guilt built up until one night, after a particularly intense phone session, I couldn't handle it anymore and broke things off with Emma. The breakup felt sudden and harsh, like cutting ties from something you've grown to rely on too much. Since then, I've been trying to figure out what this means about me. Am I really that lonely? Do I need someone else to tell me how to feel or act? It's hard being so self-reliant all the time when deep down there's a part of you that just wants to be taken care of. I'm still trying to figure it out, but for now, writing this confession is my way of processing everything.