A Doctor's Secret Shame

I can hardly bring myself to write this down, let alone share it with anyone. For years now, I've felt a strange pull towards something that feels deeply wrong and yet oddly satisfying. As a doctor who deals with patient care daily, one might think I’d be immune to such impulses. But no matter how hard I try to suppress them, the urge to dominate and punish in a very specific way never goes away. When I’m alone with my partner, he lets me do things that border on the abusive, stripping him of his clothes, tying him up, even slapping him for no reason other than control. It’s like I can’t help myself; it becomes almost medicinal, but in a sick way. The look on his face when I take charge, the fear and then submission, he craves it as much as I do. How is this acceptable? How can someone who deals with the physical and emotional well-being of others also be complicit in something so dark? I feel like a hypocrite every time we indulge. Is this normal or am I just crossing an uncrossable line? I need guidance here, some kind of reassurance that I’m not alone in grappling with these impulses, but I don’t know where to turn for help.