Caregiver Confession

I've been a caregiver to my older brother since he was diagnosed with severe schizophrenia a decade ago. It's always been challenging and emotionally draining, but I never expected what happened recently to shake me up so much. Last week, after his latest episode, my brother was particularly unresponsive and agitated. He's always been quite demanding and exhausting, but this time felt different somehow. As he lashed out in frustration and confusion, I found myself taking a more authoritarian stance with him than usual. It wasn't just me soothing and cajoling; it was me setting strict boundaries, enforcing rules like a stern parent. I didn't have any explicit intentions or fantasies about this role beforehand. It sort of just happened as a response to his unpredictable behavior. But once I started pushing back with an authoritative voice and insisting on certain routines being followed rigorously (like medication schedules), it felt almost cathartic. There was a sense of control returning when he finally began to comply. After the situation calmed down, though, I found myself reflecting deeply on what just transpired. The clinical part of me knows that as his caregiver, I often have to be firm and directive. But this new aspect, this paternal or maternal enforcement, wasn't something I'd experienced before. Was it healthy? Was it appropriate? My brother seems more stable now than he has in years. He appreciates the structured environment too. Yet the nagging doubt persists: am I crossing boundaries by taking on such a disciplinarian role? It's left me questioning not just my actions, but how far I'm willing to go as his primary support.