A Small Disobedience

I just got out of my last relationship about a month ago. We were together for five years and everything was great, except that I recently discovered this kinky thing that makes me feel like... well, like an eight-year-old sometimes. It’s weird, but it helps me relax and feel safe in ways that other things don’t. My ex knew nothing about any of this, and the truth is, they probably wouldn’t have been into it at all. Anyway, since I’m new to being single and kinky like this, I’ve mostly kept it just inside my head... but last week I let myself be a little naughty. I was supposed to go straight home from work because I had chores to do for the weekend ahead of me, but instead, I got ice cream and ate it in a coffee shop while reading some DDLG fiction. It wasn’t like I broke any major rules or anything, I still had time left before my deadline, but when I got back home later, that little act felt... wrong somehow. Maybe because even though eating the ice cream was just for me and didn’t affect anyone else, there’s this part of me that feels like I should’ve at least asked permission first. This might sound silly to most people, but in my DDLG headspace, I’m not quite sure how it all works yet, there are rules, boundaries, and roles, right? And while I wasn’t being told what to do by someone else when I had that ice cream, a small part of me feels like maybe I was supposed to play along with the idea of having an authority figure over me... I’m still working on figuring all this out. It’s just so new and strange, even though it makes me feel better in some ways. Today, when my hands started shaking a bit while cleaning up after myself, I realized how much guilt can build from one little act of disobedience. The ice cream was good... but now I’m questioning whether doing something for myself is really okay in this mindset I’ve developed. I’ll keep trying to understand where these feelings come from and what they mean, but today I just feel lost and a bit scared that maybe I can’t handle my own self-discipline when it comes to this side of me. Am I being too hard on myself... or is there something about DDLG dynamics that’s supposed to be like this? It’s all so confusing, yet kind of exciting at the same time. I guess what I’m wondering most is if a little bit of self-indulgence ruins everything. Maybe it doesn’t... but right now it feels like I’ve messed up big.