A Caregiver's Secret Shame

I've always felt a bit out of place among my peers. I care deeply for them and enjoy helping others, but there’s something I struggle to come to terms with. Lately, in moments of extreme stress or exhaustion, I’ve found myself leaning into a role that feels entirely wrong on the surface but strangely comforting underneath. It started as a casual game during our kink night events, playing a caregiver for someone else who takes on the role of my child. The idea was silly at first, but it gradually became more than just play. Recently, I began waking up in the morning, feeling like I need to make breakfast and ensure everyone is dressed and ready for their day. It’s embarrassing and terrifying because these are adult friends playing along, not actual dependents or kids. What does this mean about me? Is there something wrong with wanting to care for others so deeply that it feels right to treat them as if they’re younger or in need of guidance? How do I reconcile my desire to nurture with the reality of being a peer and graduate student?