My Little Secret Rebellion

I’ve been teaching college for over thirty years now, and in recent decades I started playing around with little-space roles. In my personal life, that’s meant a mix of being the care-taking authority figure and also stepping into childish space when I’m with someone else who takes on a caregiver role. It adds an interesting dynamic to both our adult lives and playtimes. Last semester, I had a particularly strict set of dietary rules for myself. Partly it was due to health reasons, but mostly because my partner at the time liked playing the authoritarian role where I’d have to follow all sorts of restrictions. One day, while we were out shopping, she asked me not to eat any chocolate, just one more rule in her list to keep me on a short leash. The funny thing is, chocolate has always been my weakness. It’s what breaks me down and makes me act childishly silly, which isn’t exactly what I was supposed to be doing under those rules. The minute we got back home from the store, I snuck into the kitchen, found a secret stash of dark chocolate in one of the drawers, and devoured it. I felt both guilty and defiant at the same time, like a naughty little boy getting away with something he wasn’t supposed to do. Of course, she knew about my love for chocolate and was probably counting on me breaking that rule eventually. We ended up laughing about it later when we were role-playing, but at the time, it felt so real. Looking back now, I know it’s just a silly little thing in our game of power dynamics. But that moment felt huge to me then, as if I was asserting my adult self’s freedom against an imposed set of rules. Even though nothing serious ever came out of it, and we both got a kick out of the playful rebellion, part of me wonders how many others might feel about breaking rules in such a controlled environment. It's amazing what chocolate can do to one’s sense of discipline.