A Doctor's Secret Struggle

I've always been the responsible one, the dependable shoulder to lean on. I’m in my late thirties now, and it’s hard not to feel like time is slipping away without me ever fully living my life. I'm a doctor, someone who sees all sorts of human dramas unfold in front of my eyes every single day. But inside, there's this constant feeling of emptiness that no amount of professionalism can mask or fill. Recently, I've started exploring something I never thought possible, submitting to an older partner as if I were younger again. It’s like a fantasy escape from the mundane routines and stresses of my real life. He calls me his little doctor, and it's a strange feeling, one that I’ve found both freeing and terrifying. We began playing about six months ago. At first, it was just harmless role-play, dressing up, silly scenarios, nothing too serious or deep. But as time went on, the games started to feel more real, almost like we were rewinding back to when life felt simpler, less cluttered with responsibilities and expectations. There’s this one night I can’t stop thinking about, I messed up during a session. It was meant to be playful, but it escalated into something darker. He wanted me to admit my failures at work, as if he could take away the burden of being responsible all the time. When I finally did, the relief was overwhelming; but so too was the guilt and shame for having let myself become this way. Deep down, there's a part of me that wonders what happened to my own voice in all of this, when did I start living other people’s fantasies instead of embracing my own desires? I know it sounds ridiculous coming from someone like me, but sometimes I feel like I’m just trying to fill a hole that can never truly be filled. It's tough balancing the persona I've built for myself in the professional world and this hidden side that longs for simplicity and guidance. It’s exhausting maintaining both these roles without ever feeling whole as one person. Here I am, an adult who makes decisions every day to keep others healthy and safe, yet inside, there’s a little girl wishing someone would just take care of her once in a while. So here I am, writing this for no one else but myself. To acknowledge that it's okay to have these conflicting feelings, to wish for something different without it being a sign of weakness or surrendering my hard-earned autonomy.