A Hidden Secret from the Past

I'm in my early 30s now and have been working as a nurse for over ten years. I've always prided myself on being professional, compassionate, and discrete. But there's this one thing that haunts me... It started when I was younger, just out of nursing school actually, before I truly knew what I wanted from life or who I really was. There wasn't a specific label for it then, no 'Daddy' or 'Mommy'. It was just something that felt natural and comforting to me at the time. I met him when I was new in town and looking for support, someone older with experience in nursing but also kind of fatherly. We hit it off instantly, and he seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. He started calling me his little one and offered guidance both professionally and personally. It felt good to have a mentor who cared so much about my well-being. But as time went on, our relationship grew more complex. We began engaging in activities that were purely adult but carried undertones of playfulness reminiscent of an older-younger dynamic. I enjoyed feeling protected and taken care of, while he thrived on the idea of being a strong leader figure for me. Everything was always consensual and agreed upon beforehand. The thing is, as I grew more confident in myself and my career, I started to question this arrangement. It felt like something from a different stage of life, one that I had left behind long ago. But ending it was harder than I anticipated. There were deep-seated emotional ties involved that weren't just about the physical or psychological aspect. After much internal struggle and conversations filled with both love and frustration, we eventually decided to part ways amicably. It's been years since then, but the guilt of keeping this hidden from most people, including some close friends, still lingers. I've never shared this story before because it felt too personal and embarrassing. Now, in my 30s, looking back, I feel a mix of shame and relief at letting go of that chapter. It was an important part of who I am, but one I'd rather not revisit unless absolutely necessary. Writing this down helps to put some distance between me and those feelings.