Late Realization

I'm a professor in my forties and have been for nearly two decades now. It's only recently that I've come to understand something about myself that feels both unsettling and oddly familiar, like an old book sitting dusty on the shelf, forgotten but not absent. Teaching is my passion, but it also serves as a mask for me. When I step into class, I become this confident, educated woman who knows her subjects inside out. But there's another side to me that has only just surfaced recently, and it feels like it’s always been there. A few weeks ago, while marking essays late one night, I found myself thinking about a former student, someone who had been through my classes years back. It wasn't just nostalgia; something else was driving these thoughts. There was an odd sense of wanting to return to those times, but not for the same reasons as before. That's when it clicked: I've developed this strange fascination with age-difference dynamics, though it took me by surprise. It's not about the student-teacher relationship in any literal or unethical way; no, more like an appreciation for a roleplay dynamic between adults who can choose and explore different perspectives. Now, here’s the weird part: I’m not entirely sure what this means or how to approach it. It hasn't affected my current life negatively, but there's this nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe, it should mean something more than a dusty old book on my mind. So, do you think it's normal for someone in their forties to suddenly realize they have these unusual interests? Am I being too harsh on myself? Or is it okay to explore and understand this aspect of my personality as an adult choice?