An Unsettling Shift

Okay, so it's been building for a while now. Since starting this night shift job at the warehouse, I've noticed changes in how I feel, like there’s something inside me that wants out and is growing more restless every day. The stress of working around the clock starts to wear on you, but when my shift ends, instead of unwinding with usual hobbies or friends, I find myself craving this sense of regressiveness. I've never really indulged it much, I don’t want people thinking there’s something wrong with me or that I’m stuck in a weird phase, but after another tough week, the impulse to go back to my childhood bedroom and pretend everything is okay became too strong. It happened one night last month. I was tired from yet another long shift and had skipped dinner, which usually means trouble for my mood. On the way home, this intense longing hit me, craving that safety and simplicity of being a kid again. And when I got home, instead of ignoring it, I indulged. There were still some old stuffed animals up in my childhood closet; after years of not touching them, the sight sent me spiraling back into that place. I ended up laying on my bed with a stuffed bear and watching cartoons until I was ready to sleep like... well, like a child. And then things escalated from there, my partner came over later that night, finding me in this headspace already. It felt natural for him to become this parental figure instead of the lover he usually is; every touch, every look sent waves through my body as I sank deeper into this regressed state. It's a lot to wrap your mind around. But after it was over and we lay there in the quiet, I couldn't help but feel both relieved and guilty. Relieved that for a moment, I had been able to escape adulthood, and guilty because I know that's not something one should take pleasure from. I guess what I'm trying to say is that while it’s confusing and unsettling, exploring this side of myself is necessary if I want to keep functioning with the stress. And despite how strange and new all these feelings are, there’s an undeniable comfort in them too.