A Caregiver's Secret Shame

I'm a nurse in my early 30s, and I've been taking care of an elderly patient named Mrs. Thompson for the past year. She's a sweet lady who lost her husband recently and has been struggling with both physical ailments and dementia. We developed quite a bond during her stay at the hospital and eventually moved on to home visits as well. At first, it was just about providing medical care and companionship. But then something strange happened. I started feeling this...odd affection towards her. It's hard for me to even type that out, but there you go. The more time we spent together, the more I found myself getting emotionally attached to her. I'd bring her little gifts and make sure she was comfortable. I began looking forward to our visits, not just because of my job, but because...I liked spending time with her. One day, while changing her bed sheets, it all got too much for me. She's in her 80s, frail, vulnerable, and I found myself crossing a line that I never thought possible. I kissed the top of her head, whispered softly how beautiful she was, and then just held her hand for what felt like an eternity. I'm not sure why this happened. Maybe it's because of my own lack of intimacy in my personal life or something deeper about me caring for someone who needs care but also needing care herself on some level. Whatever the reason, I've been struggling with immense guilt and shame ever since. I try to distance myself now when I visit her, keeping things strictly professional, yet every time I leave I feel a deep sense of sadness knowing that I'll be back soon enough. How can someone who's supposed to care for others end up feeling so terrible about their actions? It's like a secret shame I carry with me every day. And the worst part is, no matter how much I tell myself it was wrong and that I shouldn't do it again, my heart just isn't listening.