Admitting My Secret Habit During Deployment

I’ve been married for four years now and my husband is currently deployed overseas. With all the extra alone time, I started engaging in a secret habit that feels deeply shameful to admit. It began innocently enough, buying some stuffed animals and coloring books at the local hobby store after seeing them in an online group discussion. My intentions were just to have something fun to do on weekends while he’s gone. But it didn’t stop there. One day, I was feeling particularly lonely when he messaged me about getting home late again this week. As I opened my coloring set and picked up a stuffed giraffe he got for me years ago as a joke gift that now sits on my desk, I found myself slipping into a headspace where all the adult worries melted away. It felt like an escape from reality, but also brought back some uncomfortable childhood memories. There’s something oddly comforting about pretending to be small and needing protection again. It scared me at first because it didn’t feel healthy to regress so completely. But as I kept doing it, a strange sense of peace set in, I was the little girl he used to know before the weight of responsibility came crashing down on us both. So last night, I took things further. My husband had another late message saying his flight got delayed and I wouldn’t see him until next week at least. This time, instead of just coloring or cuddling with a toy, I dressed up in childish pajamas my mother gave me years ago and pretended to be that little girl again. The night felt like one long slumber party flashback, complete with watching cartoon reruns from when we were kids and drinking hot chocolate out of an oversized mug. I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about how strange this all is but also how much it helped me cope with everything. I guess what I’m trying to say is...I’ve been diving headfirst into little space for the past few weeks, feeling small and cared-for in ways that feel both incredibly liberating and unsettling at once. It’s just something I needed during this deployment season, my secret vice of childish comfort when everything else feels too heavy. And now as he comes home soon, I’m wondering how long I can keep it up without revealing my odd coping mechanism to the world.