...The Struggle to Be Honest With Myself ...

I've always been so eager to please everyone in my life. You see, I'm a stay-at-home parent and caregiver for our young children. In the eyes of most people, I'm this perfect little mommy who does everything just right... but inside, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Lately, I've been struggling with something that feels so wrong when you look at my life from the outside. You see, I've developed a thing for DDLG dynamics, being in a little role has become this safe space where I can feel taken care of again, much like how I was as a child... It's not about returning to some nostalgic or unhealthy place, but more about reclaiming that sense of security and love... But here's the thing: My partner is so incredibly supportive of me. He knows everything, my struggles, my fears, and now he even supports this part of me that feels like such a taboo... There are nights when I feel so small in his arms, cuddled up with him acting as my protector and provider... It's not about power dynamics or anything unhealthy; it's just about finding comfort... The problem is, sometimes after we play out these scenes, there's this awkward moment. He looks at me with such love and tenderness, but I'm left wondering if he'll ever feel the same way again. If our connection will shift because of this side of me that feels so private and exposed... What if one day he doesn't want to be my protector anymore? I know it's not healthy for me to keep these fears bottled up, but it's hard to open up about them even with him... And here I am... wondering what it all means. Am I the asshole for keeping this secret? For wanting something so unconventional when everything else is so traditional and perfect from a distance? I guess that's my confession, that little mommy side of me is just trying to find her place in our big, beautiful, complicated life...