Conflicted Heart and Mind

I've been teaching at this university for over two decades now, and it's always seemed like a sanctuary where I could be myself without judgment. But recently, something inside me has shifted in ways that leave me deeply conflicted and unsure of who I am anymore. It started last semester when I was assigned to mentor a particularly bright young woman named Maya. She's around thirty, so it wasn't just her age but the way she looked at me with such reverence that made my heart race and my mind go into overdrive. As our weekly meetings continued, I found myself drawn to more than just her intellectual capabilities. There was an energy between us, a subtle connection that seemed to grow stronger every time we spoke. One evening, as the sun set outside the university building, I took Maya out for coffee in my office and it felt different from any other meeting we'd had before. We talked about everything but work, our interests, fears, dreams. By the end of the night, there was a moment where I wanted to kiss her so badly that I could taste it on my tongue. But I didn't act on those feelings; instead, I told Maya she was too young for me in every way except intellectually and advised her to pursue someone closer to her age. However, that night marked the beginning of a new struggle within me. Since then, my desires have become harder to ignore. I find myself thinking about Maya all the time, not just professionally but personally too. Lately, there's been an increasing sense of loneliness and longing for something more substantial in my life. I know where this is heading if it continues: into a dangerous place filled with potential consequences both personal and professional. Yet every time I think about cutting Maya out of my life completely, another part of me rebels against the thought. Am I wrong to want more from this relationship? Is there ever room for something beyond mentorship when you're twice her age?