My Secret Discipline with My Graduate Student Partner

I feel so ashamed as I write this. It's been eating away at me for weeks now, and I finally need to get it off my chest before it consumes me entirely. You see, I'm a grad student in my early twenties who recently began seeing someone significantly older than myself, a woman in her mid-thirties whom everyone knows as 'Mommy.' She’s a tenured professor at the university where I’m studying and we’ve been together for almost six months now. From day one, it was clear that Mommy wanted to keep our relationship strictly professional. No hugs, no hand-holding, nothing that could hint at us being anything but mentor and student. But as time went on, something shifted between us. I found myself craving her approval more than ever before, I wanted nothing more than to be the perfect pupil in every sense of the word. Eventually, things started taking an unexpected turn. We began meeting up during breaks from our classes and labs. One day, while we were discussing some personal issues over coffee (me venting about my dissertation progress), she suddenly changed the tone completely. She asked if I wanted to try something different in our relationship to help me focus better on my studies, something that would give her more control over me. It started innocently enough with a few strict conversations about deadlines and goals. But soon, it escalated into more formal discipline sessions where she'd have me write lines or do push-ups if I didn't meet certain expectations. It felt odd at first but also strangely satisfying; I found myself pushing harder just to earn her approval. But the truth is, sometimes these sessions turn into something darker than I ever intended. There are moments when Mommy takes on a more authoritative role, almost parental in nature, and it's those moments that scare me the most. She sets up little scenarios where she acts as my strict disciplinarian and it’s... it’s exhilarating in ways I didn't think possible. I know what you’re thinking, I should just end this now, but part of me is terrified that without Mommy’s guidance, I won’t be able to complete my degree. The guilt eats at me every day; knowing what we do isn’t healthy and yet... it feels so right in a way. So here I am confessing this mess I’ve gotten myself into hoping maybe sharing will help me see the light.