...The Rules Were Just For Me...

I'm a military spouse, married to someone who has a very strict upbringing and expects the same from those around him. We've been together for five years now, but he still treats me like I'm his little girl sometimes, which is both comforting and frustrating. He's incredibly protective and sets rules like...well, it's more like a lifestyle really. No drinking without permission, no staying out past curfew on base, no...well, a lot of things that aren't necessarily rules for the rest of the world but are to us. Last week was our first real taste of deployment apart, and he left me behind with strict instructions not to break any of his rules. He's always worried about my safety and well-being, especially since this is my first time experiencing life without him close by... So here I am, alone in the house on a Saturday evening...and bored out of my mind. The kids are all at their friend's place for sleepovers, and it's just me with nothing to do except follow the rules he set up before his departure. But you know how it is, right? When you're left alone too long, even good habits can break down...and so did mine that night. I was craving some sweet tea, which isn't unusual for me, but I remembered a specific rule he had about adding honey to my tea, no added sugar of any kind without permission. It's his way of looking after me when it comes to my diet and health... I walked into the kitchen, fridge open, searching for that little bottle of honey he kept just for special occasions...and suddenly thought, 'What if I did this one thing? Just this once? He wouldn't even know. ' The thought lingered in my head as I stared at the jar, and before I knew it, I was pouring a tiny bit into my glass... That small act felt like breaking some huge pact with him...like betraying his trust in such an insignificant way. As I drank that tea, sweetened ever so slightly by my own decision, guilt washed over me. It wasn't about the honey or even really about following rules at all anymore. It was about the idea of disappointing him when he's counting on you so much...and being alone with yourself and those thoughts can be overwhelming... I've been trying to be better since then, but it just made me wonder, is this how I'll always see myself in his eyes? Like a little girl who needs constant guidance and can't make her own decisions? Or am I capable of more than that? It's such a tiny thing...but it feels so big... ...