Late Realization

I’ve been married for twenty years now and it’s always been pretty traditional. Stable life, kids, dog, the works. But a few months ago I found myself at this adult bookstore near my house because one of my old friends had sent me an invitation to their dungeon party last weekend. It was something I’d never thought I would ever do or even want to do but there I was, flipping through books and wondering what on earth got into me. I didn’t end up going to that party. Just couldn't face it. But since then... well, there’s this one thing I can’t seem to stop thinking about. It’s been eating at me for weeks now and making my chest feel tight and guilty every time I think about it. Last week while driving home from work, it just hit me like a truck. For as long as I could remember, I’ve had this secret fantasy about being... well, subservient to someone. It’s so different from anything I ever felt was okay to want or do, and yet it keeps creeping back into my head at the most inconvenient times. I don’t know where it comes from exactly. Not something that happened during childhood or anything like that, I’ve had a pretty normal life up until now. Maybe something in those books caught my eye? Or maybe it’s just been simmering under the surface all this time and finally found an outlet as I approach middle age? Anyway, last night for the first time ever, I actually told my wife about these feelings. She looked shocked but then kind of confused too. Told me she loved me no matter what, even though it’s clearly not her thing either. We didn’t have any real answers after that. I’m scared to really go down this road. But at the same time... I think maybe there’s something here worth exploring? I don't know how or when or if I ever will get around to it, but now I can’t pretend like I never felt anything for fear of what people might say or do. It feels weird putting all this out there. Hope I haven’t embarrassed myself too badly.