The Weight of Unspoken Rules

Since the divorce, I've found myself experimenting with kink as a way to navigate my emotions. Recently, I allowed myself to be spanked by someone I care for deeply, it wasn't something we'd discussed beforehand or even hinted at in our relationship. It was more about addressing feelings of inadequacy and seeking some kind of catharsis through this shared intimacy. The build-up to the moment was fraught with anxiety, not knowing what to expect, whether he truly understood my needs, and the fear that it might all be a mistake. When the actual spanking happened, I felt both humiliated and oddly comforted. It wasn't harsh or anything like the movies; instead, there was a sense of connection, albeit an uncomfortable one. Afterwards, we talked about how it left me feeling, but also how we could explore this kind of intimacy further in a more structured way that honors my boundaries better. I'm reaching out to ask if others find this kind of experience common after major life changes like divorce? And what does it say about us when we seek these kinds of intense, intimate experiences as adults?