Admitting My Secret Craving After a Breakup

I recently got out of a long-term relationship and have been trying to figure out what I want in life. During the breakup, I was under immense pressure from my ex-partner about everything we did or didn't do together. The more stressed I became, the more I found myself dwelling on an unexpected fantasy that had lingered since before our relationship even started. To be clear, this wasn’t something I wanted to act upon with my previous partner, it was too risky and complicated given his own life philosophy. But now alone, it’s resurfaced in a big way, surprising me with its intensity every time I try to move on from my past relationship. The feeling is like stepping into a role where someone else takes control over my decisions and choices, guiding me through what can be overwhelming circumstances. It's hard because I’m used to being the one calling shots in many areas of life. This new craving feels foreign but also oddly appealing at times, especially when I find myself missing the security that comes with having someone else handle things for once. It’s not about giving up responsibility; it’s about sharing the load and trusting someone else fully. Confessing this to anyone is scary because it doesn’t align with societal norms or even my personal beliefs in some ways. But I’ve come to realize keeping secrets can be as heavy a burden as the one this fantasy seeks to lift from me. So here’s to hoping honesty, even about something complex like this, might lead to self-acceptance and possibly new beginnings.