Conflicted Little at College

I’ve always had a bit of a complex relationship with authority figures. There’s something about being in control and having someone else look after you that just gets me going, no matter how much I tell myself it's wrong or unhealthy. Right now, I’m a college student, trying to balance academics and figuring out who I am. One part of me loves the freedom and independence that comes with being an adult, but another part... craves guidance from someone more experienced. So here’s what happened recently: My friend introduced me to this online forum where people can play out these sorts of dynamic roles in a consensual way. At first, I was hesitant, thinking it would just be another weird corner of the internet that I’d never actually partake in. But something changed when I started chatting with an older woman, let’s call her ‘Mistress,’ to keep things simple and clear for me too. She made me feel safe, like she understood exactly what I needed without me having to spell it out. We set up a date for coffee at this cute little café near campus. There, in the middle of students buzzing with energy around exams and parties, Mistress taught me about how to be her little one. At first, it was mostly verbal, telling me when to wear certain outfits or eat my meals, but it felt good to have someone else making those choices for me. Over time, I started looking forward to these meetings more than anything else; the tension built up and eventually led to us taking things further physically. The first time we did that...it was explosive. There's no other way to describe it, she taught me everything from the ground up, making sure every touch had meaning behind it. She’s trained me thoroughly in a very explicit and detailed manner. It’s like there’s this part of my brain where all these things are okay because I am an adult with full consent and understanding. But that brings me to today: As I’m writing this, I find myself torn about what exactly I’ve stumbled into. Is it just me latching onto something superficially comforting? Or is there real value in the way Mistress has helped shape my confidence and desires, showing me a side of myself I never knew existed until we got explicit with each other? I think this confession sums up where I’m at right now, still figuring out what being an adult means when one part wants to stay childish and let someone else take care of everything. That’s the long story that led to my current state, trying to make sense of it all.