When I Broke My Own Rules in the Little Space

I am a mommy to my little, and it's been such an amazing journey for us both. As a professor in my forties with a busy life, creating this space for myself has been both a sanctuary and a challenge. It helps me cope with the stress of teaching and being a mom outside of it all. One day, after a particularly tough week where I had to grade endless papers late into the night and dealt with difficult students who refused to listen, I was feeling extra exhausted but also oddly energized when my little came over. We set up our space, it's cozy with lots of stuffed animals and soft toys scattered around, and I put on some soothing music while she played quietly. As part of our routine, I make sure we stick to certain rules for this special time together: no screens, no loud noises that might disturb the neighbors, and no food or drinks other than water. These are my rules for keeping the space pure and focused, like a sacred retreat from real-life stresses. But one evening, after an hour of playing quietly with her toys, she asked if we could have some cookies. Now, I know better than to break my own rules, especially here in this little space. But looking at those big eyes asking so sweetly and feeling how tired I was, I found myself giving in. We sneaked into the kitchen and got a couple of cookies without waking anyone up. Sitting back down in our cozy setup, munching on them together felt... nice. The sweetness made us both smile, and for just a moment, all my worries seemed to fade away. But as soon as we finished those last crumbs, I knew I'd let myself get carried away. Later that night when it was time to put everything back in place, the guilt hit me hard. Breaking that rule felt like cheating not only on myself but also on her, compromising what this space is supposed to mean for us both. It wasn't an issue of discipline or boundaries being crossed; it was more about disappointing myself over something so small. Reflecting on it now weeks later, I can still feel the twinge in my stomach whenever I think back. Maybe next time I'll be better prepared to resist temptation, but also accept that sometimes even mommies aren't perfect and need a little indulgence too.