When I Became My Own Caretaker

I've always been this freelancer who works from home. It's not the easiest lifestyle, but it gives me flexibility and autonomy that I crave. I started as a young professional right out of college and quickly realized how isolating it can be. No office, no colleagues to chat with during lunch or coffee breaks... just endless tasks on my computer screen. A couple years back, after a rough breakup and some personal struggles, things got really dark for me. I didn't have many friends left in town and those I did were too busy with their own lives to check up on me regularly. So one day, feeling lost and alone, I decided to adopt a new kind of structure into my life... something that would give me accountability but also freedom. I started playing the little in my headspace again, pretending like someone else was telling me what to do - when to eat, how long to work, even mundane things like cleaning my room or doing laundry. It helped manage the anxiety of having so much control over everything and no real sense of direction. At first, it was just a thought exercise... but then I took it further. I began documenting these routines in journals and sending updates to an online friend who agreed to act as my 'caretaker' - checking on how well I followed the rules we set together. Of course, this wasn't real discipline for me. It was all consensual roleplay between adults... but the dynamics it created felt strangely grounding. As time went on though, things shifted. My friend had to move away and find her own stability - which left me in a weird place. I continued the little role play by myself at first - still writing lists and setting timers for tasks... but eventually, even that felt hollow without someone else involved. That's when I started exploring how to create these dynamics with partners. It wasn't until recently that I took things further physically too... engaging in playful scenarios where I would literally dress up and act like the little one, sometimes with props and costumes designed for just this type of playtime. These experiences were very explicit, very intimate, involving everything from playful discipline to intimate acts that crossed all lines. I've never really told anyone about any of this... even those closest to me don't know my secret life here at home or the online connections I build around these dynamics. But now I'm feeling kind of stuck again - not sure how much longer I can maintain this fantasy on my own. Am I just fooling myself by continuing with this pretend world? Does it help more than hurt in the long run? What do you think... have any advice for someone caught up in a similar dynamic? It feels like such an intense internal struggle right now, between needing some form of guidance versus wanting to take full control again. Any input would be appreciated.