A Secret From My Closet

I've been hiding something from everyone for a long time now. It's this weird thing where I sometimes feel like this little girl who needs looking after, and other times it’s like I switch into a caregiver mode. Like when my partner comes home stressed from work, suddenly there's this part of me that wants to take care of him, make sure he eats right, gets his rest... And then there are those rare moments when the roles flip and he takes care of me. It feels wrong but also strangely comforting at the same time. I haven't really told anyone about it because I'm afraid they'll think something is seriously messed up with me. My therapist hinted once that it could be a way to cope, but even hearing him say it out loud makes my heart race and my palms sweat. Sometimes I feel like everyone would see right through me if I let on how much these little role-plays mean to us. I wish there was someone else who understood this feeling of switching back and forth between needing care and giving it, without all the judgment that comes with admitting something so unconventional. It's hard keeping secrets like this. Every now and then, I let a tiny bit slip out in conversations or texts, but never enough for anyone to piece together what’s really going on. I want to be open about who I am and what I love, but fear holds me back more than anything.