Just Can't Help It...

So, I guess this is kind of like my first big confession on here. Never really thought I'd be doing something like this but... okay, here it goes. I've been single for a little over two weeks now, and it's not because I didn't want company, it's just that I ended up breaking things off with the last person before Valentine's Day because I couldn't bring myself to tell them about my weird fetish. It's like this... urge, you know? Like when something feels so wrong but at the same time, really right in a way that makes your heart race. Anyway, I started watching all these kink videos online just for fun at first, like, it was supposed to be just entertainment or some kind of weird self-help therapy. And then one day, while surfing through them, something clicked inside me. It's not even about the sex itself as much as... how the characters interact in a way that feels so freeing and new. I mean, it's not like I'm into anything extreme or illegal or hurtful to anyone, it's just a little spanking here and there, or someone getting called out for not doing their chores properly. It sounds silly when you put it this way, but it makes me feel... alive? Vibrant in a sense. Like the world is slowing down around me as I watch these things play out. And every time it happens, there's a part of me that wonders what would happen if someone did this with real people, real adults like me and not just some fantasy characters on screen. I know I should be ashamed or something, but honestly? Part of me feels kinda proud for admitting even to myself how much these videos intrigue me. It’s embarrassing because it feels so out of the norm from everything else in my life, yet also oddly comforting knowing there are others like this too. So yeah... that's where I am right now. Just trying to figure out what comes next and whether I should let anyone else into my world beyond just these videos on the internet.