A Profound Secret from Academia

I'm an old man now in my 50s, and I've always prided myself on being a respected figure at the university where I teach. But lately, I've felt increasingly hollow inside, like all the joy has drained out of life. It was only when I met her that anything stirred again, my student's protégée, she called herself, though she wasn't any younger than me really. We started meeting in my office after hours for sessions that were supposed to be purely educational. But they quickly turned into something more profound and intimate. I began to crave those moments when we'd lose ourselves together, both of us pretending I was her mentor and guide beyond just academics. It felt wrong on so many levels, ethically, professionally, morally, but it also felt so incredibly right in the moment. We were exploring a deep connection that went far beyond what's acceptable or even comprehensible to most people. I've never admitted this out loud before, not even with my closest friends who know nothing about these encounters. It eats away at me, knowing I'm betraying everything I stand for as an educator. And yet, every time we meet, that loneliness fades momentarily into something far more complex and consuming.