My Secret Mommy Fantasies

I never thought I would end up here, confessing my darkest desires on an anonymous site. It's not that I'm ashamed of who I am as a person, it’s just these secret fantasies have always felt wrong and taboo. I've been married to David for almost five years now, we're both in our early thirties, and we have two kids together. One is three, the other one-year-old. Before we started dating, I had no clue what this side of me was even capable of. But when we were first together, he would talk about his own fantasies, the ones he always kept locked away for years before us. Some of them involved being submissive to a dominant figure that represented authority and care. The more we talked, the deeper I realized these impulses were bubbling inside me too. We started exploring, in secret at first because I was still dealing with it mentally. Then slowly but surely, we got into what he dubbed 'protector-mode' where I acted as his mommy and took control over him. We would watch movies together, read books, play video games, all of these things under this new dynamic that somehow made us closer than ever before. But there’s a catch: every time we step out of it and return to 'normal' life, guilt overwhelms me. Am I a bad mother for not being able to completely let go? Is it fair to David, who's my husband first and foremost? Then again, what if giving up this part of us means losing something vital in our relationship? I've tried talking about this with friends but their reactions are always so negative. They tell me that being 'mommy' should be reserved for real life parenting only, not as a kinky role play between adults. So here I am, typing away these thoughts hoping someone understands without judging too harshly. The truth is, even after all this time, it still feels like I'm betraying myself whenever I act out our fantasies. But when we're in character, my worries vanish and I feel truly alive, something I rarely experience outside of those moments with him. Maybe one day I'll find a way to balance both worlds but until then, these secrets stay hidden.